Friday, 13 February 2015

10 Guys You Should Avoid On Facebook This Valentine's Day Weekend And Possibly Forever After


  You know when you're talking to someone on Facebook and you barely know the person, like you've seen this person around but you've never said a word to him/her in real life or sometimes even when you're talking to random strangers and somehow they are sitting at their computer, typing out their deepest darkest secrets, confessing, pouring out their heart to you, And you're just sitting there staring at your monitor like
"Whyyy?! Whyyy me?!?! How did I get picked for this?!"

 Seriously. This happens to me so much. Is this just me? Did Facebook somehow list me as one of it's in house priests for confessions and forgot to notify me of my position? Are there others out there that belong to some kinda Facebook seminary?  Because here's the thing, My Facebook account is like a church minus the religion, Jesus, and the gravy.
  I'm also constantly amazed by how many "besties" I never knew I even had but actually do when these people tell me things like, "Come on, I can't trust just anyone with these things, You're my bestie, You gottta understand."
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Wow. This is news to me. What makes you think that?"
On a completely unrelated side note: If you're one of the people who've said something very similar to me, of course, I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about that other person who thinks I'm their bestie. Totally not you.
 So, Of course being the nice person that I am, I usually end up wasting two hours of my life listening to this persons life story and all of their problems, and I even try to be as polite as I can and keep the sarcasm out as much as possible, But every now and again these weirdos go just a little overboard and start giving me stalker vibes, and get all creepy, etc and I sneakily screenshot this stuff for blog fodder.
 So here's my list of the 10 guys you should avoid on Facebook this Valentine's Day weekend and possibly forever after.

#1 The guy who won't ever give up
 This guy has real problems. He was in your class in ninth grade and has never said a word to you.  But now he just.won't.shut.up. You replied to him the first time he said hello because you were naive and believed him to be normal. Then he gave you the 'My mom is secretly trying to poison me, help' vibes and you decided to ignore him. but this guy doesn't take hints. He's too busy asking for your phone number.
Fun tip: Notice the date and time stamps.

#2 The guy who resents his ex, and by ex, He means his ex-crush
This guy is an acquaintance. He was probably in your friends' class and You might have been introduced at a party. So this guy starts off by asking you what college you were going to, You make the mistake of telling him. And then this happens

That sad moment when he doesn't even get your joke. :P

#3 The guy with this cover picture
The only reason anyone would accept a friend request from this guy was if they had a death wish, or rather a wish to wind up murdered in an old, dilapidated, shut down subway station, all alone. Because this guy is obviously a serial killer who likes to stake his victims out on Facebook.
The kind of people who send me friend requests.

#4 The guy who asks you to send him a friend request because evidently he's been blocked
You're reading his message and just thinking, 
"You don't really get the concept of blocking, do you?"
You're kinda missing the point, sweetie.
#5 The guy who claims to have seen you at school but you've never heard of him let alone seen him
This guy likes to repeat things. he sends you everything twice and can't spell, as is evidenced by how he keeps spelling school as 'skol'.

Right. I'm sure. skol. of course. How did I forget?!
#6 The guy who sent the exact same message to you and your 300 other girl friends on Facebook
You think you were the chosen one, but then the next day at school, everyone's talking about the exact same flirtatious Facebook message. No, Your account wasn't hacked. This guy just sent that very same creepy message to every single person you know.
This person has a fetish for mallu's too.

#7 The annoying kid who sat next to you in your fourth grade class, He grew up to be the guy with no shame whatsoever.
This guy can't spell the word 'school' either. Your best friend from fourth grade told you he asked her out two weeks ago and she said no. And it turns out its your turn this week. He owns up to it with no shame at all if you confront him about it.
I'm giving you a way out. Admit it's a joke, You idiot.
See?Cannot spell school
You still don't see where I'm going with this?
And Busted!
He still just says "whats's the problem with that?"
You're just thinking,
"Have you no shame?!?!"
#8 The guy who's last name sounds a lot like dental floss
This guy is looking for therapy. He tells you his mother died two months ago and she had your name and you remind him of her. This guy also looks much older than you are.  But you can't stop thinking about how weird his last name is.
Seriously? Flossy?

#9 The guy who sends you way too many smileys after you just said 'hmm'
This guy is probably a liar. Do Not Trust this guy. Who the hell sends so many smileys after you just said 'hmm'. You don't even want to know. Just stop texting him back. right now.

#10 The girl who wants to puhhhh with you. She's probably a guy. 
She has her school listed as the same one you went to. Her profile picture looks normal enough, You accept her friend request, she starts texting you, and she makes no sense. She tells you you look like a doll, a Barbie doll, and pretty and calls you chubby alternatively. She tells you that she just randomly typed your first name because some guy friend of hers asked her to and you were their catch 'as a fish'. She tells you all this in very terrible English. She wants you to accept her friends friend request. She tells you, "He is an boy. Her ID name is John Chris". Throughout your conversation she uses he and she interchangeably and you're convinced that she's probably very confused about her sex. She tells you her friend John Chris needs good people with your name to talk to. You stall and just keep collecting blog fodder. she wants to meet. She wants your phone number. You tell her "Too bad, You can't have it.". Eventually she concludes that you don't seem to like her very much and  tells you she's going to go die now, buh-bye! and you're just like 
"Oh. Quit being so melodramatic"

Sure enough, She's back, sending you numerous 'hi' 's. Not dead. But because you came back to your senses, you don't reply. She probably wanted to kidnap you and sell you on the black market in Bangkok.
She's also the one who asked me if I was Roman Catholic. I have the name of a Hindu goddess. So that was a pretty stupid question, but she got me onto the whole Facebook seminary idea.
I'll spare you the rest of the screenshots with this one.

  How I deal with the crazy:
Besides a serving of  honesty

  I mostly end up blocking these people or turning off the chat for them (That way I always appear offline to these people) after taking screenshots of this God sent gold stuff for the blog, of course. These people are also the reason my Valentine's day plans involve buying cheap discount candy, chocolate and eating it all. Like a boss.

What are your plans for Valentine's day weekend?Have you met such weird people on Facebook, How do you deal with the weirdos? Do you Screenshot? What was your weirdest Facebook encounter? Let me know in the comments below!

Like this post? Share it!