Monday, 14 April 2014

3 STEPS to kick someone's ass and not mess up your hair while you're at it

  if you want to fight a real person who doesn't have Parkinson's disease and you want to WIN this fight, or even survive it, I suggest you quit reading this and take a self defense class with an instructor who knows what he or she's talking about. Because to be honest, the only thing that I've got a black belt in, is shopping. And I have the T-shirt to prove it.
 Violence is never the answer, unless the question is how do we survive the zombie apocalypse. If that is the question, then violence IS the answer. we fight, for real. we kick zombie ass. that's how we survive.
   And in this blog post I've graciously decided to take a page out of the Katherine Pierce secret handbook of dirty fighting and teach you guys how to outlive the zombie apocalypse. oh, what is that? you don't believe in the zombie apocalypse? well, its going to happen...and when it does....
    So taking the off chance that you're going to completely ignore my statutory warning in the disclaimer and try to fight someone with decent neurotic coordination on reading this, don't do that.
   That's a really dumb idea. instead, coming from the nation that invented the idea of ahimsa, I suggest that you calm yourselves, debate and discuss the different ways you could work this out. or just talk your way out of the situation, whichever works best for you. Because the best fights are the ones we walk away from. so chill out, and Attain inner peace. Yep, I'm channeling my inner Gandhi. Or Master Oogway. Not sure who. 
    But sometimes, some people just don't listen, they can't hear you, until you're fist makes strong contact with their facial muscles. That'll wipe that stupid grin off their faces. But , this post is purely for self defense purposes only. seriously though. self defense only.

   so if you need to defend yourself because a zombie is coming at you, because that's totally likely, speed, agility and surprise are your best weapons. lets be professional about this. 
#1 don't mess up your hair. you put lots of work into those curls this morning
#2 keep the fight under 6 seconds. move don't want to waste too much of your time beating up these losers.
#3 survive.
so, without further ado, i'll dive straight in to it.
cue *drum roll*
Strategic Plan A
STEP #1:  attack when they least expect it. surprise the target with a solid punch straight to the nose while target is still talking or while said target is distracted.  Nose cartilage breaks easy. attempt to break target's nose. Do as much damage as you possibly can with just this one first blow. 
STEP #1 Successful: Target is now in a trance. Target is touching his or her injured, bleeding, broken nose in shock and mumbling incomprehensibly what sounds like "you actually broke my nose". This is good, this means target does not have a very high IQ. A smarter and potentially more dangerous target would be tipping his or her head backwards to stop the bleeding. or punching you back
STEP #2: while target is busy nursing the broken nose, right uppercut the neck. I've heard punching someone in the neck works too. or go for the weak spots in the body. The human wrist only bends 180 degrees, 90 degrees up and 90 degrees down, bend it back further. Also,The human knees only bend forward. Grab both of targets arms at the elbow, and twist it behind their backs at a painful angle.Math hurts.
Step #2 Successful: Target is in tremendous pain. Target is screaming in agony. the fight is almost over. level complete - 98%. And you're winning. Play the cards right and you'll make it out, alive. with all your pride and glory intact.
Step #3:  Still holding Target's elbows pinned behind their backs, lean in close, and whisper a punchline into targets ears. I personally prefer , "The next time i run into you, its going to be with a car."  
or this.
Lastly, kick out target's knees from behind them and aggressively shove the small of said target's back, so that target may fall flat with his or her face on the floor.
Finally, turn around and walk away real fast, holding your head up high in pride,while still basking in your rare moment of glory. Do NOT give any time for target to snap out of said trance and retaliate.
 Now, I am aware of the many loopholes, flaws and technical shortcomings of strategic plan A. like maybe you aren't fighting your everyday, run of the mill, zombie. Maybe this zombie has an IQ that is a couple of notches higher up on the rotten brain scale than your average mutant.
For those of you who have poor hindsight, and those of you with terrible judgement who decide to try my strategies out in real life combat, because I love you guys, I give you Plan B, with some added tweaks, tips and tricks. If target is proving to be smarter than you originally gave him or her credit for, starts showing signs of fighting back and has not slipped into a trance, Do not be ashamed to Fight dirty, This is war. and you want to survive.
move #1 pull hair. if target has short hair, yank the short hairs on the back of the neck.real hard.
move#2 trip target up.
move#3 poke eyes.
move#4 bite.
These should do the trick.But if you have terrible luck and Life is literally shooting lemons at you with a machine gun, and you have a whole horde of zombies descending upon you..
It is time to switch to plan C: Speed, surprise and sarcasm are officially not enough to survive in the cavalry and ask them to bring all the arsenal. Grab the nearest pick ax, pitch fork, sledge hammer, shovel, Swiss army knife, fat text book, make shift pencil stake, whatever other evil  manifestation of stationary you might be able to get your hands on. Attack.
Plan D: if you are short on arsenal, mutter a swear word under your breath and  RUN. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.
I'm outta here.
I guess that got a little pathetic. but hey. nobody said dirty fighting was going to be pretty. But at the end of the day, It doesn't hurt to be prepared. plan in advance. move by move. Sherlock Holmes does it too.
So one of these days, someones going to piss me off, real bad, and its's going to time.
game on bitches
Watch out Bitches!
End credits and writer's blogger's note: I was inspired to write this, because of a certain conversation i had with a rebellious friend of mine. So Thanks Arvind. And I've been hearing that this whole blogging thing works like a conversation and you guys are supposed to leave your thoughts in the comments section, for me to reply to. If you love my posts, let me know, it'll really inspire me to write more, Constructive criticism is welcome too. I'm super awkward and almost always late, But I'd love to hear your opinions. have you ever wanted to kick someone's ass real bad? What's your take on the Zombie apocalypse?
Other things(s) that need(s) to be discussed: Do any of you guys watch the vampire diaries?? Katherine pierce is mind blowing. She was my most favorite character on that entire show. they can't kill her.I'm still in denial. and I've stopped watching the show. but whats this I keep hearing about bringing her back in the next season *OMG. YES.excuse me while i hyperventilate * so, as you might have noticed, this whole article was sort of a tribute to her. with all the GIFs
And I'm going to end this rant with a big hearty Thank you to all my readers, and one final little thing...
email, bloglovin, blogger,whatever you like best. :)


  1. does this commenting thing work or what?? CHECK check. changed some settings, commenting should be fairly less of a hassle now. no word verification. and a comment box! yaaay! easy as pi (3.14)! math test tomorrow. Haha. TALK TO ME PEOPLE!! :D

  2. Haha. surely gonna try these steps. Looks like you've tried them? :P :)

    1. Fortunately, not yet, but someday someone is going to piss me off, and we're goiing to fight, For real. :P let me know how it works out for you. ;)


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