Monday, 6 October 2014

Homicidal Cows And How my family survived an angry mob of Indian villagers

      I know this post sounds like something out of one of the gazillion final destination movies, but I'm not kidding. This actually happened. True story bro. This is what happens when cows jump over moons hedges in the middle of a highway. So if you're a cow and you're thinking about doing this, DON'T, because it's not funny and it isn't just suicidal, it's also homicidal. If you're someone who owns cows, please keep your cows in check. Cows with suicidal and homicidal tendencies aren't helping anyone. Unfortunately,  I don't have proof that this happened. I asked the members of my family involved in this particular incident for photographic evidence but they claimed that they were kinda busy getting away with their lives and hence weren't able to document the events of that day for the blog.  This was particularly disappointing because in my head I had already began photoshopping myself into these images. And my attempts to pilfer my uncle's car's insurance paperwork for you guys turned out futile cause he sold the car involved in this particular incident. But, You have my word. This happened.
It only happens in India.
You have my word
This is the face of truth

   Now, let's begin, shall we?
   A couple of years ago, somebody in the family had passed away. Phones were ringing incessantly, my family had to go to the funeral service. All the kids were busy. So were our mothers. We presumably had some exam going on. It was decided that all the men in the family would go, because it's not like they had anything to do. My dad, and my three uncles were happy enough to ditch work, and on they went. ROADTRIP.
     Somehow, Somebody thought it would be a good idea to let uncle no.2 who happened to be the fastest driver in the family to drive uncle no.1's car, a very gaudy black sedan, a Logan, on the National highway leading towards our hometown. Uncle no.1 swears that he wasn't dozing off in the front seat while uncle no.2 was driving. In fact he claims to have been shooting his brother, uncle no.1,  dirty looks every time he tried to cross the speed limit.
Basically, This.
But somehow, I'm convinced that all the passengers of the car probably dozed off, until.... Time slowed. and they rounded a blind turn just as said cow(s) jumped over a hedge that they were hiding behind (because uncle no.1 also claims that there were two cows) .Uncle no.2, who was driving, hit it. There was no stopping the car. Not at that last second, Not at that speed, and Certainly not on that highway, that last minute of time. They hit the cow, And this is exactly how they narrate the story...
 "Thank god no.2 was driving fast enough, we hit the cow with so much momentum, it went up like twenty feet in the air and then landed behind the car. Had he not been driving that fast, the cow would have landed with a hell lotta momentum on the car, instead of behind it, positively crushing all of us to death, because that cow weighed like tonnes". 
   Always looking on the bright side, my family. Also, So sympathetic, I know. But that didn't necessarily mean that they got to walk away with their lives intact. This was India, and cows, here, on this side of the planet, homicidal or not, are considered sacred.
Before my family  had the time to snap out of it, or get out of the car for that matter, An angry mob of villagers stormed out of nowhere. Yes, with their pitch forks, sticks, stones and various other arsenal in tow. Uncle no.2, claims that  some of them actually came from behind the bushes the cows were hiding behind...
This picture is a pretty accurate approximation of what followed.

How did they have time to get all those weapons, anyway?!
   There was no backing out, or reversing the car either. The angry mob had surrounded the car, and they began to hammer the car with their hands. My dad, being the smart and kind guy that he is, give that man a cookie, suggested that somebody call the blue cross, India's animal welfare society. Uncle no.4 quickly shot this idea down.
"The cow is dead, There's nothing the blue cross can do except maybe, arrest us. "
Something about this entire fiasco seemed very scammy. and suspicious. Like...
1) Why would the cow jump out of those bushes, on to the highway right into the path of a speeding car?!
odd.. very, very, odd.
2) How did they get all those weapons and get here so damn quick?!

    Unfortunately, they didn't have time to ask each other these questions. They had one goal. And that was to Survive. and the villagers were like..
give us money for killing our goddess cow and you can go.

And my family was like....
And that is how they got out of there.

They paid the angry mob of villagers in return for their freedom. And managed to survive. Other ways they could have survived here...
   Here comes the best part though, uncle no.1 who owned the Logan tried to claim road accident insurance on the car. And get this, The insurance company not only paid to fix the car, but also informed him that his was the fourth car they'd seen that month in a case of homicidal cows on the highway. This group had purposely pushed the poor old cow onto the road to scam car drivers into paying them. that's why they were out with their arsenal so fast. something about this did seem suspicious all along. It was all premeditated, it wasn't a case of homicidal cows at all. It was a case of cow homicide. it was murder. 

What is the freakiest accident you've been involved in?? What would you have done in if an angry mob surrounded you?? What is the most brutal case of animal cruelty you've witnessed?? ?Have you ever been conned in a completely unexpected way, at a seemingly unassuming place?? Let me know in the comments below.


  1. Oh my goodness! That is absolutely crazy. But kind of smart and lucrative? No, no, crazy ;)

    1. It is, isn't it? I remember seeing something like this in a movie once, where the comedian has this little boy run into the path of a motorcycle and then he creates this huge fuss and they pretend like the kid got really hurt when he didn't even sustain a scratch just so they can extort money from the motor cyclist. Maybe that's where these people get their ideas from. :O


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